Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
