Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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