I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
