About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
