haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
