You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
