im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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