i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
