every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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