do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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