she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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