you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
