i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
