Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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