Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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