he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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