when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
