So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
