I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
