I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
