My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
