After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
