She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
