our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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