Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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