dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We are two peas in an std pod
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
