p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
