I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
