That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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