No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
