I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
