Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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