1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
