hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
