I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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