My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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