I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
