party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
