I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
