The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
