I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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