You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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