I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
