The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
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