I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
