is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
