we have officially lost it.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
