what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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