There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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