smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
